I haven’t done one of these in a while. Not quite sure why as I used to find it helped place my thoughts in an order. Since the last blog entry things have changed significantly around me. My wife started work after maternity leave 2 weeks ago and in turn the kids now go to childcare 4 days a week. I also had the worst month of my life. At one point we were very close to putting our house up for rent and probably moving in with parents. I had never considered anything like that happening to my family and hope no one I know ever has to go through anything like it. Coping techniques I had just weren’t up to scratch and looking back it is understandable why. Going for a run wasn’t doing it. I was often challenging myself to run further or faster but this led to greater gaps in between. I don’t think this helped and I have noticed I have not been as keen to go as often. Also I think this may be due to drink more often at home. Without really thinking this seems to have crept up on me. It has never been something I have done a lot and I wouldn’t say it was a lot each time. Just more often
From these negative come some positives. I have realised a couple of issues and plan to make a change. I have also started a treatment called EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). My fourth session is tomorrow. I’m not sure how this is going. It is strange and I haven’t got to grips with it yet but the therapist advises this can take some time. To describe it simply, there is a light bar in front of you. This is approx 2 foot long and stand horizontal. The lights consist of a number of LEDS evenly spaced and flash from left to right in sequence. The therapist starts and stops this and varies the speed. At the moment I am trying to do some grounding work. The therapist will ask me to think of a time i’ve felt relaxed or confident. Whilst doing this you follow the lights move across the bar. It is meant to help your brain place thoughts and feelings. The grounding is done so that when discussing trauma at a later date I can recall the nice feelings I’ve had and hopefully use these to overcome the Anxious feeling I often get. The part I’m struggling with at the moment is recalling feelings of relaxation or confidence. I have been given techniques to try and develope this and hope that it will begin to work sooner rather than later.
I have enjoyed going to see this Therapist. It is different than others I have been to who basically tell you how great you are and give distraction techniques. This is more real. Problem solving. Looking at the issues I am dealing with and if there is logical things that can be done to eliminate them. That is exactly how my brain works and it has been good for me to use the technique since there has been such a long period of confusion.
The whole time I have been off (up to 2 weeks ago) I was with the family. My wife and 2 young children were at home. That can only be a positive. A massive positive. But there are times where you need to be alone. Need quiet. I constantly felt if I was at home I need to be available to help with the kids. I need to be there for them and my wife. But a lot of the time I don’t think I was in the right frame of mind. Constant noise from the kids toys and Peppa Pig on the telly could drive anyone insane (nearly as much as Hollyoaks!). I found this very difficult. Because of this I was sadly looking forward to the change and having some time to myself. I have made plans of activities to do at home and intend to go the gym often. Unfortunately the lack of contact at home has led to quite a lonely feeling. It’s probably natural to feel this way, going from to much going on around you to literally nothing. It has made me realise that this feeling was there before and throughout my time off. I think I need contact with people. I need to feel involved in something. It is unfair to offload everything on my wife and expect her to fill the gaps I’m missing because I’m not at work and therefore not getting the chance to socialise.
I’ve thought that throughout the years I have used going out with friends as a coping mechanism. I always found that having a couple of pints provides some relief to the anxiety but I realise now that the contact with friends is just as good. The less we seem to have the more anxious I would get about doing it. It is strange to feel anxious about meeting someone you know well but it happens just as much with family. Unfortunately as life progresses and people begin to have families the opportunities to socialise seem to disappear. I am hoping that as the nice weather comes more chances to meet up with people come about.
This has had me thinking over the past couple of days. I have noticed a change. Right now there is definitely more a positive approach to things. How long that lasts I’m not sure but should use it whilst I have got it. I have been considering what can I do during the week. What, if I didn’t let anxiety etc take control, would I like to do. This made me think of the film Liar Liar (sounds odd I know!). The idea of saying yes to every opportunity for a period of time became exciting. But I wasn’t sure how this would work. Opportunities don’t come about at home watching Lorraine. So this developed into trying to do something new each day I’m alone for a month. I figured this could be something I haven’t done before or something I may have done in the past and enjoyed.
So today is day 1……
I have noticed a bence when walking the dog which has a fantastic view. I have always thought it would be nice to sit there to take in the scenery. Have some time aways from real life and relax. So that is my something new for today.
(any ideas would be appreciated)