Theres me…. And me

So this afternoon I have a visit at home from a senior manager at work.  I don’t know this person and don’t know what they know about me.  It seems odd that after 9 months off they have decided to visit and a bit unfair that they feel it is appropriate.  I dont understand why there isnt one form of contact with work.  Someone who knows exactly what is going on and able to liase information to others if required.

Anyway…. I have tried not to think about it over the last few days but this mornings been awful.  Massive anxiety feelings along with physical symptoms such as tight chest, short breaths dizzyness.headaches and couple more that I don’t really want to go in to.  How can a visit by someone do all this.??.

I dont feel I have any control over it.  Its not simply worrying or the need to be positive.  Its happening without me thinking about it.

I went out early this morning to try and combat the feeling.  A short walk into town to buy some tea bags left me sweaty and dizzy.  Social anxiety jumps out as soon as I leave the house.  Wearing headphone s doesn’t seem to help when its bad.  So to combat that I thought a walk in the countryside with the dog. I can’t sit at home waiting.  I get restless and frustrated. Nearly 4 miles later I find myself at a pub next to the canal.  I like this place a lot.  Quiet and scenic.  Most importantly its pretty empty at this time of day.  This is where I realised some people may think I have it easy.  Off work, Sunny day, nice walk to the pub and to sit along the canal.  I wouldnt argue that it isn’t nice but the feeling have inside at the moment is awfully.  So anxious it is unbelievable.  I know nothing is going to happen later but its still there.


Anyway going to try and enjoy this for a few hours and not think about later.  Lets see how it goes

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